Craig’s Blog

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of water, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to ensure their safety and that they work as advertised.

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer’s medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance - now Joe gets it too.

He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe’s bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained.

Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for the laws to stop industries from polluting our air.

He walks on the government-provided sidewalk to subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the
opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe’s employer pays these standards because Joe’s employer doesn’t want his employees to call the union.

If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he’ll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn’t think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

It is noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe’s deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below- market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime. Joe also forgets that his in addition to his federally subsidized student loans, he attended a state funded university.

Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards to go along with the tax-payer funded roads.

He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers’ Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans.

The house didn’t have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification.

He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn’t have to.

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. (Joe neglects to recognize the flag-burning liberal who fought so the host could express his views.) He doesn’t mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day. Joe agrees: “We don’t need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I’m a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have.”

LIBERAL
-You have two cows.
-Your neighbor has none.
-You feel guilty for being successful.
-Instead of giving your neighbor one of your cows, you write to your
congressman, demanding that he pass legislation for more government programs to help your neighbor get a cow.
-You hold a concert to raise awareness of cow-lessness.
-Barbara Streisand sings for the cow-less, who couldn’t attend because ticket prices are so expensive that only people with 3 or 4 cows can afford to attend.
-You wear a ribbon that signifies that you care about cowless people, even though you really haven’t done anything to help them at all.

CONSERVATIVE
-You have two cows.
-Your neighbor has none.
-So?

SOCIALIST
-You have two cows.
-The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
-You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
-You have two cows.
-The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
-You wait in line for hours to get it.
-It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
-You have two cows.
-You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
-You have two cows.
-The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
-You have two cows.
-The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
-You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
-You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
-You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.
-Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-You go on strike because you want three cows.
-You go to lunch and drink wine.
-Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
-They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
-Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
-Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
-You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
-While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
-You break for lunch.
-Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-You have some vodka.
-You count them and learn you have four cows.
-You have some more vodka.
-You count them again and learn you have eight cows.
-The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
-You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
-You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
-Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION
-You have two cows.
-They go into hiding.
-They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
-You have two bulls.
-Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

CALIFORNIAN
-You have a cow and a bull.
-The bull is depressed.
-It has spent its life living a lie.
-It goes away for two weeks.
-It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
-You now have two cows.
-One makes milk; the other doesn’t.
-You try to sell the transgender cow.
-Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
-You lose in court.
-You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
-You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
-You change your business to beef.
-PETA pickets your farm.
-Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
-Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help “working cows.”
-Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm “for the
children.”
-Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
-The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
-You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
-The cow starves to death.
-The L.A. Times’ op-ed says your business failure is Bush’s fault.